Ms. Lauren.
And now, I'm officially a teacher. After a small initiation ceremony and the completion of a four day lesson-planning session I'm apparently ready to go (i think). Can you feel my sense of doubt?
I must admit my doubt is such a strong competitor against my will. I've had a mountain of books dropped in front of me on a desk full of objects foreign to my everyday use-and now I must teach. i MUST teach, and teach well. i MUST TEACH WELL is what i keep circling throughout my clouded mind. hazed by uncertainties and unfamiliar routine, i will teach..and i will teach well.
in a blatent confession I must share with you that I have never had a desire to teach. ever. EVER. while the dizzy dance of college awarded my well-studied efforts with a business degree, i never imagined that my corporate tower would be built of construction paper and "super!" stickers rather than steel beams and tinted glass panels. vulnerably stepping out on a limb here- i don't really want to teach..still. my mother calls out: "Lauren, I don't understand you. Are you going to Thailand because you don't have anything else to do? ..to travel?... It makes no sense. You never had an interest in teaching..."
She's right. I never did have an interest in teaching. I still don't. I'll admit this proudly..because it's the truth. As an easily overwhelmed human (aka: a woman,) teaching seems to be the most stressful, time-consuming, exhausting, aggravating migrane I could ever encounter. If given the choice of a line-up of jobs, teaching would probably be my LAST choice. So last, that it'd be the last of the last. double last. super last. ULTIMATELY last.
I realized this past week that this is exactly why I'm here. I'm here in Bangkok because I didn't want to come and teach.
It makes no sense to me whatsoever that in less than two months I was hired, had completed the paperwork (the pages and pages of paperwork,) had various forms of employment to pay for the trip and still had time to create the most amazing memoir of laughs and cries with those I love before departing sweet, sweet America.
oh, America.
Of course, the idea of traveling to southeast Asia, integrating my American self into all that is foreign and the opportunitiy for 5 dollar massages was attractive- so, why not go to Thailand? Though these ideas of pampered pleasures are enough to wet my travel appetite- they're not great enough to make me want to leave my ridiculously pregnant sister, beautiful nephew, loving parents, comfort and sense of home.
oh, home.
nothing is greater than what brought me here to Bangkok... and this- this, is why I'm here::
God.
though the doubting words of my mother (sorry, mom) were at times partially convincing..words weighted heavy, carrying the message that I had an absurd idea to come half way across the world just to figure myself out and that I was commiting to a form of employment I've never been passionate about. Her words tickling my naturally indecisive nature.. "until you step on that plane, it's never to late to just stay here [charlotte]," she'd say.
oh, charlotte.
i WANTED to stay. oh, how i wanted to stay. I WANT to sit on my sister's porch tomorrow, grass-stained knees tucked under the table of gifts and cake- intently watching colsen celebrate life. I WANT to come...I WANT to go...I WANT to come and go as i please (in my OWN car).. I WANT to comfortably cross my feet on the weathered coffee table next to my favorite size 5's and watch reruns of The Office. Seven numbers. I WANT to dial only seven numbers on the phone and hear the sweet sound of a familiar voice on the other end, and oh..oh, how I WANT the sterile glare of florescent bulbs as i wait in anticipation for God to bring my new nephew into my life... I WANT all these things. who wouldn't?
oh, who wouldn't.
but, finally. I gave in. I give in.
The words of a daily friend, Oswald Chambers echo through my head: "the only right we have, is the right to ourselves..." and "We must give up the right to ourselves to Him completely in order to be completely His. We must understand and be living like we are no longer our own. We must allow our lives to be completely at His disposal".
the things I WANT are finally being replaced by the things HE WANTS.
Though difficult, I am flattered that God wants ME to be here doing all of this...
all of this that HE WANTS.
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7 comments:
Lauren,
I have really enjoyed reading your blogs, you are one funny young lady.
I know you will be used of God in this very unfamiliar place, far from home. You are courageous and super talented, so there's no doubt in my mind, whatever you do, you will succeed.
I am also very proud of you, remembering the young girl I met so many years ago and also haven't seen for quite a few years, I am still proud.
You have always had a great flair for life and said what was on your mind, and it was usually pretty funny. You inherited that special talent from your mom, cause no one has ever made me laugh as hard as she has...the talk is always a little quirky, a little off beat, but definitely truthful. That is my favorite trait of your mom's, she is truth coming from a different angle.
Your blogs are incredible and are certainly interesting. But your trust in the Lord is very inspiring as you trek across the world to do His work.
Good job Lauren, you are the bomb!!!!
Your friend and encourager, Zukie Smith
sobbing on my laptop. so proud of you. we'll renact the birth of your new nephew when you return :) ha.
love u
the comment prior to this one that appears to be from me, is not from me
your poor sister can't remember her password, can't remember what she wanted to say to me..can't remember anything....which is ok for me, because i won't remember that she couldn't remember
i can't comment on the blog...it has seized my heart and held it captive..i can barely breathe (bearly?)
whet whet whet whet whet whet whet
love you more and more with every passing second
MOM
Hey, Lauren! Remember the line from Raiders of the Lost Ark, III?
"Choose, but choose wisely"?
Well, you, my dear friend, have chosen wisely.
This year will fly by and at the end a Lauren will return to those she loves, stronger, wiser, deeper, and far richer than the Lauren who flew away to the land of $5 massages!
I am so proud of you! You are brave and gutsy! When you get discouraged or lonely, remember, nothing is forever, except the love of God.
Prayers are flying up for you! Love, paula
Wow, your are amazing at blogging I must say. Isn't incredible how God can take something you never wanted to do and put it right there in front of you? I'm with you, teaching has always been at the bottom of my to do and to be list. Quite frankly I'd rather be a garbage man but lately God keeps putting "go teach" in my mind and it's just not leaving.
I must say I was quite amazed when I saw you were in Thailand because last time I saw you you were asking Alyssa to move back to VA with you. But it's totally awesome that you were able to get it together in such a short time.
Good luck with your little kiddies and enjoy those $5 massages. They arn't so bad are they :)
ok, this really is me. i remembered my sign in info (if mom hadn't signed in on my computer it would have remembered me...MA!). anyway, good talking to you today...so proud of what God is going thru you. DRINK IN EVERY MOMENT. want me to mail you an egg crate for your bed?!
proud. weird to say that i feel this way because i feel like a father when i say it, but i am just proud of you, proud you are trusting God and deliberately stepping out of your comfort zone. wish more christians would hear Gods voice the way you have. take care kid, ill be prayin for ya.
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